Ethical Oil Officially Rebrands Itself to “Gentle Killings”

After a lot of bad publicity for Enbridge and Ethical Oil over the past few months, Ethical Oil announced today, to much fanfare, that it is rebranding itself to “Gentle Killings”.

Emperor Harper, from the Corporatist Party of Canada, or CPC for short, has applauded the move, saying that it will make the corrupt organization sound different enough to distract anyone who is not paying attention.

It is normal for corrupt corporate plutocrat-funded organizations to go through periods of very bad publicity. When that happens, they often decide to rebrand themselves.

“Rebranding is basically repackaging a smelly turd into something more appealing because too many people have unwrapped its regular packaging and discovered it is a turd,” says a marketing expert for corporations and pro-corporate non-profits.

“Emperor Harper, from the Corporatist Party of Canada, or CPC for short, has applauded the move, saying that it will make the corrupt organization sound different enough to distract anyone who is not paying attention.”

The plutocrats decided to rebrand Ethical Oil to “Gentle Killings” because their oil completely destroys the environment and slowly kills people in communities where the oil is extracted from. As such, the name “Gentle Killings” is very fitting, as the oil only kills “gently”, not harshly, like the evil terrorist oil of other countries.

On the same day, Gentle Killings has denounced Tides Canada, the evil charity that is trying to protect our environment, of laundering money. Tides Canada welcomed the audits of its books. In response, Gentle Killings refused to provide details of its funding sources.

Enbridge has also announced that they are brainstorming new brand names to cover up its tarnished reputation. The brand name “Envirokill” is currently winning.

The founder of Gentle Killings, Alykhan Velshi, who is now a senior official in Emperor Harper’s office, could not be reached for comment.

Report From Alien Anthropologist Found in Roswell

A manuscript written by an alien has been found in the middle of the Roswell desert by a passerby. The traveller, who was lost in the desert, recovered the strange manuscript written in a strange language. Eventually he found civilization and showed it to a friend who used to work for the secret service. His friend then translated it. What follows is the translated version of the manuscript.

Planet Name: Erth
Coordinates: Spiral Galaxy X1658; 3rd arm; 150 parsecs x, 59 parsecs y
Diagnosis: advanced parasitic infestation

Reports are confirmed that the planet in question is experiencing an advanced level of parasitic infestation. The species is currently incapable of interstellar space travel and, thus, does not represent a threat to our civilization.

Attempts have been made to contact and reason with the species. Contact could not be completed due to the barbaric nature of their centralized forms of organization, which prevented information to be freely distributed.

The species continue to absorb much of its environment without replenishing it. They appear to worship a deity which they call "The Economy", which they sacrifice their environment to. They also craft idols to this economy, which they call "money".

After much anthropological study, from residing with members of the species undercover, I have concluded that there is still a chance the species will fully understand their parasitic nature and change the course of their collective actions.

Prognosis: Guarded

Americans Celebrate the Discovery of Higgs Boson With Fireworks

Celebrations give hope that humans are finally turning to science, logic and objectivity for answers



In an astonishing turn of events, citizens across the US have started to celebrate the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle with fireworks. The celebrations started this 4th of July, soon after the evidence of the Higgs Boson was confirmed.

Scientists are very pleased with this new development. “Clearly, this shows that Americans are paying attention and are becoming less influenced by religion and propaganda, and are more influenced by science and objectivity” said a hopeful scientist.

In fact, #Higgs was the number one trend in twitter just the day before. This is a hopeful sign that science, logic and objectivity are finally becoming more acceptable in a world where jocks, cheerleaders and sheer stupidity are not only found to be acceptable, but even glorified.

Meanwhile, in Canada, scientists are planning to protest in their lab coats just in a few days. The protests are in response to Crime Minister Harper’s policies on silencing scientists and ignoring plain logic and common sense in favor of his pocketbook. Still, not all is lost, and the Canadian scientists are already hopeful that the science fever going on south of the border is going to soon catch on in Canada.

This last decade, across the planet, scientists have grown increasingly frustrated with the complete lack of logic from politicians and citizens alike. Many scientists were criticized when speaking about “climate change” and “evolution”, in the United Statesn and many other countries around the world. The celebrations over the discovery of the Higgs particle bring a small glimpse of hope for the future of mankind.

Scientists at CERN were very emotional over the celebrations “we too have been waiting for this day for a long time... many decades... and this day is finally here. Thank you everyone for the support!"

Check out our photostream of the new Higgs Boson Day (also known as “Independence Day”, for some reason)!








New York celebrates the discovery of Higgs









In this picture, the Higgs celebrates its own existence with subatomic fireworks











A redneck celebrates Higgs. So beautiful...

Insane Madman Creates Corporation to Destroy the World

Global markets go up on the news as major global economic growth is forecasted



Yesterday, a new company had an IPO on major stock markets. The company is called “Evil Enterprises Incorporated” (EEI +245%) and its major shareholder and CEO is Doctor Evil.

The mission of EEI, as stated by CEO Doctor Evil, is to “build a giant “laser” to destroy the Earth”. Doctor Evil has always dreamed of a day when he could build his company to destroy the planet. He realized that if he incorporated his company, he could commit as many crimes as he wishes, as corporations are completely unaccountable, can’t be imprisoned and can’t die. He realized that this would be a great way for him to destroy the planet without going to prison. Through his corporation, he can also make a lot of money and be praised by politicians, bankers and economists.

And, indeed, the news have been received with great joy from governments, economists and bankers across the world.

“This is great news for everyone, because EEI will generate millions of jobs and create trillions of dollars in economic growth!” said an economist from the Fraser Institute.

Meanwhile, bankers are scrambling to come up with great deals to fund Doctor Evil’s enterprise. Several banks are competing against each other, bidding as low as they can, to strike a deal with Doctor Evil. EEI is expected to receive several billions of dollars from bankers to fund his enterprise.

"The mission of EEI, as stated by CEO Doctor Evil, is to “build a giant “laser” to destroy the Earth”."

EEI’s IPO has also been very successful, lifting stock markets across the world by 200% on its first day. Stock markets are expected to continue to rise on Monday on the news of EEI’s IPO.

Politicians are also very happy and making sure that environmental and labour laws don’t get in the way of EEI setting up shop in their countries.

“We are doing whatever we can to undermine environmental and labour laws to make our country look very attractive for Doctor Evil. Rest assured that we will destroy as many environmental and labour laws as fast as we can in order to attract EEI’s below-minimum-wage jobs to our country!” said Stephen Harper, Emperor of Canada.

Unfortunately, not everyone is pleased with the incorporation of EEI. Teachers, students, youth, environmentalists, regular civilians and just about anyone with any vestige of sanity, are opposed to EEI. Protests against EEI have already started. As one protester put it “the idea that a corporation can be created to destroy the planet and lift the global economy from a depression is ludicrous. If you destroy the planet, there will be no economy anymore.”

In response to protesters, economists, politician, bankers and racist rednecks have said that “these spoiled treehugger brats should be ashamed of themselves. They must accept the destruction of their lives and their planet and work harder.”

Doctor Evil was busy polishing his mini-laser and could not be reached for comment.

Disabled Woman's Death Prompts Government to Accept Her Disability Application

Getting disability status in BC is such a huge uphill battle that even the danger of death may not be enough to qualify.



A disabled woman, whose family does not want identified for fear of retaliation, has died in Victoria while waiting for her disability application to go through.

The woman has had a disability her whole life, but was only able to be diagnosed last year, when she paid a private specialist several thousands of dollars to assess her. The specialist had no problem filling out the government applications, for another substantial nominal fee. The woman only had to starve herself for a couple more months to pay the additional fees. The government refused to pay any of the costs of her disability assessment.

Once she finally had all the disability applications filled out, she sent them in to the government and waited for 8 months. She attempted to contact the government about the application, but wasn't able to because the government was installing a new computer system and their calls were dropping. The government later blamed delays on her for her "lack of communication".

She finally received a letter back from the government, after waiting for a year, stating that she wasn't eligible for disability status because, although she had a heart condition, food allergies, deformed legs, deafness, chronic pain and a mental disability, she could still move her fingers and, therefore, work. The government proceeded to demand her to find work and get her out of welfare. She then tried to file an appeal.

The woman finally died from complications of her heart condition from overworking at McDonald's to pay not only for the ridiculous cost of living, but also for her natural medicines that actually work rather then masking her health problems and creating additional complications. The medicines that actually work to manage her health problems were not covered by the government's medical system.

Her death quickly prompted the government to accept her disability status, as the government considers dead applicants disabled enough to qualify for benefits.

"It is a great situation because, in the end, she got the disability status she wanted and, because she is now dead, it won't cost us a dime to give her disability benefits, so we can save that money we would be wasting on her, increase our salaries and go on more vacations! Everyone wins!" said a government spokesman.

Terrorists Arrest Terrorists for Terrorizing Wrong People

NATO terrorists agree to continue terrorizing the world while condemning everyone else as illegal terrorists.


A dangerous Occupy terrorist is seen in this picture terrorizing a wonderful policeman of our corporate overlords with his dangerous bare hands.

This week, terrorists from the organization NATO met in Chicago to discuss their continued terrorization of the nation known as Afghanistan. Meanwhile, just outside the meeting, terrorists from the organization Occupy Wall Street were protesting outside with signs and chants.

"Only terrorists that can blow up an entire country are allowed! Terrorists that have signs and cameras are criminals!" said one of NATO leaders.

Terrorists from NATO condemned the actions of the Occupy Wall Street terrorists. Police raided the homes of several members of the Occupy Wall Street terrorist group in preparation for their meeting this week. They found a lot of Occupy Wall Street terrorist paraphernalia including posters, signs, educational videos and government non-approved natural narcotics.

During the NATO meeting, NATO terrorists agreed to continue terrorizing Afghanistan among other countries already controlled by NATO, such as Iraq and Libya. They have also agreed to continuing supporting their terrorists in Syria against the Syrian leader that refuses to bend over to NATO's interests. They have also discussed the possibility of bombing the hell out of Iran even if it kills lots of children, again, so they can get their oil.

"Only terrorists that can blow up an entire country are allowed! Terrorists that have signs and cameras are criminals!" said one of NATO leaders.

Meanwhile, outside the meeting, several terrorists from Occupy Wall Street were arrested by the plutocrat-controlled police force for carrying signs, taking pictures, asking questions, demanding their rights and disturbing the beauty rest of the Queen.

The mainstream media continued to do a great job at covering the events like their corporate overlords requires them. The truth continues to be distorted to support the wishes of the NATO terrorists and ignore the wishes of the Occupy Wall Street terrorists, while branding them as "childish" and "lazy".

The mainstream terrorists continue to stress that only terrorism that benefits their self-serving interests and of their greedy bastard overlords is allowed and must be pre-approved by them with their seal of American Freedom^TM terrorism. Every other terrorist who they disagree with must be criticized, condemned and squashed.

Our corporate overlords could not be reached for comment.

Ancient Futuristic Manuscript Reveals Greenland Will Be Discovered by Aliens from Tamriel

Manuscript reveals future of Earth after "climate change".



A strange ancient manuscript from the future has been discovered in Greenland, with revelations about the future of Earth.

The manuscript reveals that the "vikings" who discovered Greenland were actually aliens from a distant planet called "Tamriel". The manuscript talks about a journey into what they called "Oblivion" to a distant land governed by a "Daedra Prince" called "Sheogorath". Their journey eventually lead them to Earth.

What is most confusing is the fact that the aliens were also time travelers. They arrived on Earth many years from now and landed in what they called "Greenland". The reason why they named the land "Greenland" was because that was the only land on Earth that was green, with tropical forests. The rest of the planet, according to the manuscript, was an arid desert.

Another intriguing piece of this confusing puzzle is the fact that the manuscript is made of some kind of futuristic element which doesn't exist yet. The element appears to be composed of Cannabis Sativa and Artemisia absinthium. It must also be activated by shouting "Kumbaya My Lord" in order to be read.

It is uncertain how the manuscript from the future ended up in the past. Scientists speculate that the answer to that enigma lies on the composition of the manuscript. As such, they have resolved to have politicians and researchers from the Fraser Institute to consume the manuscripts orally, as an experiment, to determine rather the composition of the manuscript can hold the answer to this enigma.

"They are eating their words", said the lead researcher.

Non-Existent Invisible Candidate Wins Iowa, Maine and Nevada

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named gaining ground across the country



This has been a strange month for America. The Republican presidential candidate nomination process has encountered a bizzarre problem never seen before in the history of America. Apparently, a non-existent invisible cadidate, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, has recently won enough delegates to win Iowa, Maine and Nevada, putting the GOP establishment on edge.

"We are tired of the same lame candidates!" said one of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's supporters. "We are tired of being forced to choose between a giant douche and a turd sandwich! We rather have the invisible non-existent candidate!"

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named won 20 out 0f 28 delegates in Iowa, 21 of the 24 delegate spots from Maine and also gained 22 of 25 delegates at Nevada's Republican convention this weekend. The invisible non-existent candidate has become increasingly popular with people across the country, and some believe he could even surpass puppets Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

"We are tired of being forced to choose between a giant douche and a turd sandwich! We rather have the invisible non-existent candidate!"
- He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's supporter

Greedy bastards across the country are becoming increasingly concerned that their puppets, who are supposed to be the only options avaliable to the unsuspecting electorate, will not win. They continue to dump millions of dollars into their darling puppets, and turn their cameras toward their puppets, hoping that people will support their puppets instead of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is a menace to this country! He wants to end the Fed, stop us from exploiting the planet, stop us from killing people with wars for their freedom and stop us from commiting fraud and laundering money! He will destroy the economy!" said one of the greedy bastards, who is a banker at Goldman Sachs.

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is also winning debates, despite not being allocated enough time to speak during debates. In one of the latest GOP all-candidates debates, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was crowned the most popular of all candidates despite being ridiculed by the puppets and their puppet-masters. He left the debate amongst many cheers, as the song "Circus", by Britney Spears, played in the background.

Breaking News: NDP Traveled in Time to Prevent Canada from Going to World War II

Documents reveal members of the NDP traveled in time to stop Canada from joining World War II



In an astonishing turn of events, documents have been found showing that Harper was right after all. The NDP went back in time to prevent Canada from going to war. Several documents have been uncovered revealing NDP plans to go back in time to change history. Several old photos of NDP members have also been found.

The new revelation was possible thanks to Anonymous and Wikileaks. Last week, Anonymous got suspicious when Harper accused the NDP of trying to stop Canada from joining the war, so members of Anonymous infiltrated the NDP servers and found the files. The files were then released by Wikileaks today.

Documents reveal the NDP contracted a mad scientist to build the time travelling machine for them. They then proceeded to travel back in time in several attempts to change history. In one of those occasions, Thomas Mulcair traveled in time to meet with Tommy Douglas, to urge him not to go to war against the Nazis.

The NDP has been time travelling for many years. "We always knew the NDP were evil! They traveled back in time to try to stop several wars!" said one Conservative MP. "Imagine history without wars! We would have no economy by now!"

The Liberals were also surprised. "We should have known Harper was right about the NDP traveling in time to change history! We completely forgot about Occam's Razor!" said Liberal MP Justin Trudeau.

The NDP scandal has completely overshadowed the Conservative's latest completely irrelevant scandal, the "robogate". Experts are already calling this the "TimetravelGate" scandal, the biggest scandal in Canadian history.

"We always knew the NDP were evil! They traveled back in time to try to stop several wars!"
-- Conservative MP

The NDP has also received criticisms from non-biased reputable political organizations. "This is absurd! The idea of traveling in time to prevent wars is pure evil!" said a political scientist from the Fraser Institute.

In addition to going back in time to stop World War II, members of the NDP have also helped assassinate Julius Cesar, helped Nero burn Rome, refused to come to the aid of men when Mordor invaded Gondor, killed John Lennon and much more!

Unfortunately, many pictures taken of the NDP time travelling have been mysteriously lost in the internet. We ask that if any of our readers find any pictures of NDP members' time travels, to please post them in the comments and/or on twitter with the hashtag #TimeTravelGate . We will update the post with your submissions!

Flying Spaghetti Monster Admits its Own Nonexistance

The great prophet of the Pastafarians made the discovery yesterday after reading Descartes



A startling revelation has been made today by the Flying Spaghetti Monster to his followers. According to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, He Himself does not exist. When asked about how He had that revelation, the Flying Spaghetti Monster told his followers "I was reading Descartes while having a manicure done on my noodly appendages when I realized that I don't think therefore I'm not."

The revelation has caused many Pastafarians to mourn their prophet's nonexistance. Many believers are very concerned that they will not drink beer and watch strippers when they die. It has also caused many life-long believers to spiral into an existential crisis.

The news echoed accross the globe drawing all kinds of reactions.

Scientists are happy the noble noodle admitted his nonexistance. "We have always known that climate change was not caused by a decrease in the number of pirates, but rather an increase in atmospheric levels of CO2!" said one scientist at the University of Massachussets.

Many right-wing conspiracy theorists are already criticizing the prophet. "It is clear that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is working for the CIA on behalf of the reptilians in order to justify climate change and enslave us somehow!" decried a conspiracy theorist who chose to remain unidentified for fear of retaliation.

Teachers were also happy that they will not be forced to teach Pastafarianism in classes anymore. "We always knew that was complete nonsense!"

Pastafarians still refuse to believe that their prophet does not exist. "I lived my whole life believing in the Word of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now my whole life has suddenly become meaningless. This can't be happening! He must be real!" said a believer.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster urged followers to accept the truth with calm and dignity. "Descartes is an expert on existance. I know this is hard to take, but the reality is that I don't really exist," said the prophet during a tea party with the Mad Hatter, the Invisible Pink Unicorn and an honest politician.

Harper Declares Democracy Obsolete

Prime Minister urgers Canadians to stop having an opinion.



Editorial Clarification: Quotes and events are fictional, except for the first quote. They are only a reflection of reality - what they would be if his words matched his actions.

OTTAWA - Prime Minister Harper declared today, for an audience of distracted journalists, that the notion of Democracy is obsolete and his government will do whatever he can to ignore public opinion.

“This party will not take its position based on public opinion polls. We will not take a stand based on focus groups. We will not take a stand based on phone-in shows or householder surveys or any other vagaries of pubic opinion” said Harper.

The leader of the Con party and the Harper government urged Canadians to shut up and let him do whatever he wants.

"It doesn't really matter what the Canadian people think. We don't care about public opinion." According to the Prime Minister, the notion of democracy is obsolete. The role of the government is not to listen to the people, but rather, listen to the rich.

"We must think about the rich! They control our economy, our government, our country! The rich has most of the money and, therefore, only the rich should have a say. At the end of the day, the average Canadian is irrelevant!"

“This party will not take its position based on public opinion polls. We will not take a stand based on focus groups. We will not take a stand based on phone-in shows or householder surveys or any other vagaries of pubic opinion.”
- Stephen Harper

Many people who attended the last-minute conference were also curious about Harper's values. There was a slim possibility that his political position was due to his concern for the economy and was in conflict with his values. When asked about his values, his response was firm.

"All that I care about is making money for myself by working for rich foreign special interest groups. Why should I work for the Canadian people? The elite can pay me a lot better!" Harper declared.

"This is not the Canadian government, this is MY government! The Harper government! All mine! Mine! Mwhuahuahua!!"

Since being elected Prime Minister of Harper government, Harper has taken various measures to undermine what he considers an obsolete form of government. Some of his actions included muzzling scientists, undermining journalism, defrauding elections, hiding budget costs and lying to the Canadian people.

Harper's declaration come in the midst of an Occupy Canada protest. "It is imperative that our government destroys democracy" said Harper as protesters chanted Kumbaya My Lord on Parliament Hill.

Scientists Desperately Searching for New Planet to House the Elite Before Damage on Earth Becomes Irreversible

Revelations of the true intention of scientists comes as the world intensify protests against the greedy bastards




Artistic rendition of potentially hospitable planet GLIESE 581G

Scientists at NASA and major universities on Earth have been searching desperately for a hospitable planet in the universe to solve the multiple crisis our civilization is facing.

"We are concerned that the extreme environmental degradation caused by major corporations owned by a small handfull of greedy bastards will end our civilization" said one scientist, who chose to remain anonymous to avoid retaliation from the rich. "We are currently considering rather it is better to send the rich to the new planet for them to destroy so we can clean up the Earth, or rather it is best to move the whole mankind to the new planet while leaving the greedy bastards behind with what is left of Earth."

Scientists have been scrambling to find a new planet for years. It has only recently been revealed why they are so consumed with the task.

"You know, these greedy bastards try to pretend that we have no environmental problems... that climate change is fake... sometimes they go as far as trying to silence us by firing us and even threatening to kill us! We are concerned that science has been corrupted by these greedy bastards and we want them out of our planet."

Some greedy bastards welcome the idea.

"It would be great to move to a new planet and exploit its resources," said Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs. "We are frustrated that the Earth is too small for us. We heard that the main planet they are researching now, Gliese 581G, is four times the size of Earth! It would be great to move there and exploit its resources for our sole greedy benefit!"

Many scientists are getting tired of how long the research is taking and are considering faking research so they can send the greedy bastards away as soon as possible. "It's ok if there is no oxygen on the planet, or if there are giant poisonous man-eating plants. After all, the greedy bastards already screwed us over, so who cares if we screw them over for a change?"

Meanwhile, protests against the greedy bastards are intensifying. The most recent was on May 1st, where protesters across the world protested against the greed of the 1%. More protests are scheduled for tomorrow and for the foreseeable future. "We really welcome the idea of sending the 1% to another planet. That would be awesome!" said one of the protesters.