Non-Existent Invisible Candidate Wins Iowa, Maine and Nevada

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named gaining ground across the country



This has been a strange month for America. The Republican presidential candidate nomination process has encountered a bizzarre problem never seen before in the history of America. Apparently, a non-existent invisible cadidate, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, has recently won enough delegates to win Iowa, Maine and Nevada, putting the GOP establishment on edge.

"We are tired of the same lame candidates!" said one of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's supporters. "We are tired of being forced to choose between a giant douche and a turd sandwich! We rather have the invisible non-existent candidate!"

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named won 20 out 0f 28 delegates in Iowa, 21 of the 24 delegate spots from Maine and also gained 22 of 25 delegates at Nevada's Republican convention this weekend. The invisible non-existent candidate has become increasingly popular with people across the country, and some believe he could even surpass puppets Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

"We are tired of being forced to choose between a giant douche and a turd sandwich! We rather have the invisible non-existent candidate!"
- He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's supporter

Greedy bastards across the country are becoming increasingly concerned that their puppets, who are supposed to be the only options avaliable to the unsuspecting electorate, will not win. They continue to dump millions of dollars into their darling puppets, and turn their cameras toward their puppets, hoping that people will support their puppets instead of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is a menace to this country! He wants to end the Fed, stop us from exploiting the planet, stop us from killing people with wars for their freedom and stop us from commiting fraud and laundering money! He will destroy the economy!" said one of the greedy bastards, who is a banker at Goldman Sachs.

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is also winning debates, despite not being allocated enough time to speak during debates. In one of the latest GOP all-candidates debates, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was crowned the most popular of all candidates despite being ridiculed by the puppets and their puppet-masters. He left the debate amongst many cheers, as the song "Circus", by Britney Spears, played in the background.