Emperor Harper Announces $10 Trillion Dollar Surplus, Proclaims Himself Lord of Economics

Canada for Sale

Earlier today, in an unprecedented move, Emperor Harper announced the greatest budget surplus in Canadian history - a whopping $10 trillion dollars.

"Clearly, our Great Leader is truly great and a master in economics, because he was able to achieve a $10 trillion budget surplus!" said Finance Minister Joe Oliver.

Back in April, our Great Leader achieved a $1.4 billion surplus by selling the government's remaining shares in General Motors, which were valued at $2.1 billion dollars. Without the sale, the budget would have had a $700 million dollar loss.

Despite the fake surplus and bribery checks sent to parents across the country, Harper's Corporate Party of Canada was still losing ground in the polls against the NDP.

Harper then decided he would extrapolate the trick and create a nice $10 trillion dollar fake surplus to make him look good for the elections. The new $10 trillion surplus was achieved through the sale of all Canada's assets including mountains, rivers, cities, the Parliament buildings and his hair insurance.

"Look at me! I'm the Lord of Economics!" proclaimed Emperor Harper.

Meanwhile, Canada lost another 6,400 jobs in June.

Sources:

Don't Be Fooled By Harper's "Surplus"

Stephen Harper government sells multibillion-dollar stake in General Motors

Harper Government Sells Remaining General Motors Shares Ahead Of Elections

Harper government announces surplus budget

Canada sheds 6,400 jobs in June

CSIS Detains Emperor Harper, Claims He Is Osama Bin Laden

In this declassified photo, you can clearly see Emperor
Harper on his fire-breathing unicorn

This morning, in an unprecedented twist of fate, CSIS stormed parliament and detained Emperor Harper, claiming that he is actually Osama Bin Laden in disguise.

This is not the first time Emperor Harper broke his own legislation as he previously promoted terrorism on his Facebook page. Reports also link Islamic State recruiter to Canadian Embassy in Jordan.

Clearly all this information leads to the conclusion that Emperor Harper is actually Osama Bin Laden in disguise.

According to new legislation, all that CSIS, our trustworthy secret police, needs to do to imprison anyone is to simply claim that they have reasonable grounds to believe that such person will possibility commit terrorism in general at any given moment regardless of actual evidence. In addition,  they may refrain from giving anyone, other than a secret court, any evidence, due to "national security concerns".

In largely redacted documents obtained through a Freedom from Intellect (FFI) request, CSIS agents discuss the possibility that Harper is going to order his army of fire breathing unicorns to attack Canada.

CSIS could not be reached for comment regarding the possibility that Emperor Harper was planning on sending fire breathing unicorns to attack Peace Tower, CN tower and other phallic Canadian buildings, however they reassured us that they can't know for certain it will not happen and, thus, the possibility is "reasonable", which gives them the grounds required to preventively detain Harper.

Luckily for Harper, his latest legislation on security certificates, bill C-3, allows for the appointment of a "special advocate", a special person who can see the secret evidence but never talk about it, which is, clearly, certainly bound to make this entire process a lot more fair for Emperor Harper.

For the moment, Canada can breath a sigh of relief as our illustrious secret service finally figure out that our dear illustrious leader, Emperor Harper, is Osama Bin Laden, and, for the moment, in a sweet taste of freedom, we can be at peace knowing that we are finally safe.

Record Number of Deaths from Terrorism in 2014 Justifies Destruction of Civil Rights and Liberties

Watch out for this kind of nefarious suspicious activity!

Last year, a whopping 2 people died from terrorists attacks in Canada, breaking all previous records. In comparison, 13,283 died from stroke, 47,627 died from heart attacks, and 1,005 died from workplace injuries, making death by terrorism clearly the most urgent and dangerous cause of death in Canada.

Government experts, handsomely paid by Emperor Harper, say that the legislation, which establishes a secret police, secret court system, preventative detentions based on suspicion and free speech, and give CSIS the power to disrupt any free assembly of people as it pleases, is absolutely necessary to protect the Canadian people and prevent another incident where Emperor Harper is forced to get into his secret dirty maintenance closet hiding spot.

The legislation was supported by Conservatives and Liberals, including the handsome leader of the Liberal Party, Prince Trudeau. Prince Trudeau hopes to dethrone Emperor Harper, become King of Canada and, clearly, continue Harper's legacy.

Some ignorant experts, including several constitutional lawyers and law professors, have raised alarm that the bill endangers Canadian rights and freedoms too much. Government experts urge us not to be alarmed, as the bill does not give the government the right to kill Canadians at random, as this amendment is being saved for after Emperor Harper is reinstated Emperor of Harperland after the 2015's fair "elections".

The legislation introduced in the House of Commons is aimed at targeting the most dangerous forms of terrorists. According to the RCMP, those terrorists include First Nations people and eco-terrorists who protect the environment. If you see any suspicious activity such as a neighbour planting a tree or growing food, the Harper government urges you to call the terrorist phone line to report them.

Be very afraid.

More links:

Bill C-51 (Antiterrorism Act 2015): Short Primer on Key Aspects

Elizabeth May condemns Bill C-51, saying it would create a secret police force

http://antiterrorlaw.ca/

Ethical Oil Officially Rebrands Itself to “Gentle Killings”

After a lot of bad publicity for Enbridge and Ethical Oil over the past few months, Ethical Oil announced today, to much fanfare, that it is rebranding itself to “Gentle Killings”.

Emperor Harper, from the Corporatist Party of Canada, or CPC for short, has applauded the move, saying that it will make the corrupt organization sound different enough to distract anyone who is not paying attention.

It is normal for corrupt corporate plutocrat-funded organizations to go through periods of very bad publicity. When that happens, they often decide to rebrand themselves.

“Rebranding is basically repackaging a smelly turd into something more appealing because too many people have unwrapped its regular packaging and discovered it is a turd,” says a marketing expert for corporations and pro-corporate non-profits.

“Emperor Harper, from the Corporatist Party of Canada, or CPC for short, has applauded the move, saying that it will make the corrupt organization sound different enough to distract anyone who is not paying attention.”

The plutocrats decided to rebrand Ethical Oil to “Gentle Killings” because their oil completely destroys the environment and slowly kills people in communities where the oil is extracted from. As such, the name “Gentle Killings” is very fitting, as the oil only kills “gently”, not harshly, like the evil terrorist oil of other countries.

On the same day, Gentle Killings has denounced Tides Canada, the evil charity that is trying to protect our environment, of laundering money. Tides Canada welcomed the audits of its books. In response, Gentle Killings refused to provide details of its funding sources.

Enbridge has also announced that they are brainstorming new brand names to cover up its tarnished reputation. The brand name “Envirokill” is currently winning.

The founder of Gentle Killings, Alykhan Velshi, who is now a senior official in Emperor Harper’s office, could not be reached for comment.

Disabled Woman's Death Prompts Government to Accept Her Disability Application

Getting disability status in BC is such a huge uphill battle that even the danger of death may not be enough to qualify.



A disabled woman, whose family does not want identified for fear of retaliation, has died in Victoria while waiting for her disability application to go through.

The woman has had a disability her whole life, but was only able to be diagnosed last year, when she paid a private specialist several thousands of dollars to assess her. The specialist had no problem filling out the government applications, for another substantial nominal fee. The woman only had to starve herself for a couple more months to pay the additional fees. The government refused to pay any of the costs of her disability assessment.

Once she finally had all the disability applications filled out, she sent them in to the government and waited for 8 months. She attempted to contact the government about the application, but wasn't able to because the government was installing a new computer system and their calls were dropping. The government later blamed delays on her for her "lack of communication".

She finally received a letter back from the government, after waiting for a year, stating that she wasn't eligible for disability status because, although she had a heart condition, food allergies, deformed legs, deafness, chronic pain and a mental disability, she could still move her fingers and, therefore, work. The government proceeded to demand her to find work and get her out of welfare. She then tried to file an appeal.

The woman finally died from complications of her heart condition from overworking at McDonald's to pay not only for the ridiculous cost of living, but also for her natural medicines that actually work rather then masking her health problems and creating additional complications. The medicines that actually work to manage her health problems were not covered by the government's medical system.

Her death quickly prompted the government to accept her disability status, as the government considers dead applicants disabled enough to qualify for benefits.

"It is a great situation because, in the end, she got the disability status she wanted and, because she is now dead, it won't cost us a dime to give her disability benefits, so we can save that money we would be wasting on her, increase our salaries and go on more vacations! Everyone wins!" said a government spokesman.

Breaking News: NDP Traveled in Time to Prevent Canada from Going to World War II

Documents reveal members of the NDP traveled in time to stop Canada from joining World War II



In an astonishing turn of events, documents have been found showing that Harper was right after all. The NDP went back in time to prevent Canada from going to war. Several documents have been uncovered revealing NDP plans to go back in time to change history. Several old photos of NDP members have also been found.

The new revelation was possible thanks to Anonymous and Wikileaks. Last week, Anonymous got suspicious when Harper accused the NDP of trying to stop Canada from joining the war, so members of Anonymous infiltrated the NDP servers and found the files. The files were then released by Wikileaks today.

Documents reveal the NDP contracted a mad scientist to build the time travelling machine for them. They then proceeded to travel back in time in several attempts to change history. In one of those occasions, Thomas Mulcair traveled in time to meet with Tommy Douglas, to urge him not to go to war against the Nazis.

The NDP has been time travelling for many years. "We always knew the NDP were evil! They traveled back in time to try to stop several wars!" said one Conservative MP. "Imagine history without wars! We would have no economy by now!"

The Liberals were also surprised. "We should have known Harper was right about the NDP traveling in time to change history! We completely forgot about Occam's Razor!" said Liberal MP Justin Trudeau.

The NDP scandal has completely overshadowed the Conservative's latest completely irrelevant scandal, the "robogate". Experts are already calling this the "TimetravelGate" scandal, the biggest scandal in Canadian history.

"We always knew the NDP were evil! They traveled back in time to try to stop several wars!"
-- Conservative MP

The NDP has also received criticisms from non-biased reputable political organizations. "This is absurd! The idea of traveling in time to prevent wars is pure evil!" said a political scientist from the Fraser Institute.

In addition to going back in time to stop World War II, members of the NDP have also helped assassinate Julius Cesar, helped Nero burn Rome, refused to come to the aid of men when Mordor invaded Gondor, killed John Lennon and much more!

Unfortunately, many pictures taken of the NDP time travelling have been mysteriously lost in the internet. We ask that if any of our readers find any pictures of NDP members' time travels, to please post them in the comments and/or on twitter with the hashtag #TimeTravelGate . We will update the post with your submissions!

Harper Declares Democracy Obsolete

Prime Minister urgers Canadians to stop having an opinion.



Editorial Clarification: Quotes and events are fictional, except for the first quote. They are only a reflection of reality - what they would be if his words matched his actions.

OTTAWA - Prime Minister Harper declared today, for an audience of distracted journalists, that the notion of Democracy is obsolete and his government will do whatever he can to ignore public opinion.

“This party will not take its position based on public opinion polls. We will not take a stand based on focus groups. We will not take a stand based on phone-in shows or householder surveys or any other vagaries of pubic opinion” said Harper.

The leader of the Con party and the Harper government urged Canadians to shut up and let him do whatever he wants.

"It doesn't really matter what the Canadian people think. We don't care about public opinion." According to the Prime Minister, the notion of democracy is obsolete. The role of the government is not to listen to the people, but rather, listen to the rich.

"We must think about the rich! They control our economy, our government, our country! The rich has most of the money and, therefore, only the rich should have a say. At the end of the day, the average Canadian is irrelevant!"

“This party will not take its position based on public opinion polls. We will not take a stand based on focus groups. We will not take a stand based on phone-in shows or householder surveys or any other vagaries of pubic opinion.”
- Stephen Harper

Many people who attended the last-minute conference were also curious about Harper's values. There was a slim possibility that his political position was due to his concern for the economy and was in conflict with his values. When asked about his values, his response was firm.

"All that I care about is making money for myself by working for rich foreign special interest groups. Why should I work for the Canadian people? The elite can pay me a lot better!" Harper declared.

"This is not the Canadian government, this is MY government! The Harper government! All mine! Mine! Mwhuahuahua!!"

Since being elected Prime Minister of Harper government, Harper has taken various measures to undermine what he considers an obsolete form of government. Some of his actions included muzzling scientists, undermining journalism, defrauding elections, hiding budget costs and lying to the Canadian people.

Harper's declaration come in the midst of an Occupy Canada protest. "It is imperative that our government destroys democracy" said Harper as protesters chanted Kumbaya My Lord on Parliament Hill.