Report From Alien Anthropologist Found in Roswell

A manuscript written by an alien has been found in the middle of the Roswell desert by a passerby. The traveller, who was lost in the desert, recovered the strange manuscript written in a strange language. Eventually he found civilization and showed it to a friend who used to work for the secret service. His friend then translated it. What follows is the translated version of the manuscript.

Planet Name: Erth
Coordinates: Spiral Galaxy X1658; 3rd arm; 150 parsecs x, 59 parsecs y
Diagnosis: advanced parasitic infestation

Reports are confirmed that the planet in question is experiencing an advanced level of parasitic infestation. The species is currently incapable of interstellar space travel and, thus, does not represent a threat to our civilization.

Attempts have been made to contact and reason with the species. Contact could not be completed due to the barbaric nature of their centralized forms of organization, which prevented information to be freely distributed.

The species continue to absorb much of its environment without replenishing it. They appear to worship a deity which they call "The Economy", which they sacrifice their environment to. They also craft idols to this economy, which they call "money".

After much anthropological study, from residing with members of the species undercover, I have concluded that there is still a chance the species will fully understand their parasitic nature and change the course of their collective actions.

Prognosis: Guarded

Ancient Futuristic Manuscript Reveals Greenland Will Be Discovered by Aliens from Tamriel

Manuscript reveals future of Earth after "climate change".



A strange ancient manuscript from the future has been discovered in Greenland, with revelations about the future of Earth.

The manuscript reveals that the "vikings" who discovered Greenland were actually aliens from a distant planet called "Tamriel". The manuscript talks about a journey into what they called "Oblivion" to a distant land governed by a "Daedra Prince" called "Sheogorath". Their journey eventually lead them to Earth.

What is most confusing is the fact that the aliens were also time travelers. They arrived on Earth many years from now and landed in what they called "Greenland". The reason why they named the land "Greenland" was because that was the only land on Earth that was green, with tropical forests. The rest of the planet, according to the manuscript, was an arid desert.

Another intriguing piece of this confusing puzzle is the fact that the manuscript is made of some kind of futuristic element which doesn't exist yet. The element appears to be composed of Cannabis Sativa and Artemisia absinthium. It must also be activated by shouting "Kumbaya My Lord" in order to be read.

It is uncertain how the manuscript from the future ended up in the past. Scientists speculate that the answer to that enigma lies on the composition of the manuscript. As such, they have resolved to have politicians and researchers from the Fraser Institute to consume the manuscripts orally, as an experiment, to determine rather the composition of the manuscript can hold the answer to this enigma.

"They are eating their words", said the lead researcher.

Scientists Desperately Searching for New Planet to House the Elite Before Damage on Earth Becomes Irreversible

Revelations of the true intention of scientists comes as the world intensify protests against the greedy bastards




Artistic rendition of potentially hospitable planet GLIESE 581G

Scientists at NASA and major universities on Earth have been searching desperately for a hospitable planet in the universe to solve the multiple crisis our civilization is facing.

"We are concerned that the extreme environmental degradation caused by major corporations owned by a small handfull of greedy bastards will end our civilization" said one scientist, who chose to remain anonymous to avoid retaliation from the rich. "We are currently considering rather it is better to send the rich to the new planet for them to destroy so we can clean up the Earth, or rather it is best to move the whole mankind to the new planet while leaving the greedy bastards behind with what is left of Earth."

Scientists have been scrambling to find a new planet for years. It has only recently been revealed why they are so consumed with the task.

"You know, these greedy bastards try to pretend that we have no environmental problems... that climate change is fake... sometimes they go as far as trying to silence us by firing us and even threatening to kill us! We are concerned that science has been corrupted by these greedy bastards and we want them out of our planet."

Some greedy bastards welcome the idea.

"It would be great to move to a new planet and exploit its resources," said Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs. "We are frustrated that the Earth is too small for us. We heard that the main planet they are researching now, Gliese 581G, is four times the size of Earth! It would be great to move there and exploit its resources for our sole greedy benefit!"

Many scientists are getting tired of how long the research is taking and are considering faking research so they can send the greedy bastards away as soon as possible. "It's ok if there is no oxygen on the planet, or if there are giant poisonous man-eating plants. After all, the greedy bastards already screwed us over, so who cares if we screw them over for a change?"

Meanwhile, protests against the greedy bastards are intensifying. The most recent was on May 1st, where protesters across the world protested against the greed of the 1%. More protests are scheduled for tomorrow and for the foreseeable future. "We really welcome the idea of sending the 1% to another planet. That would be awesome!" said one of the protesters.