Emperor Harper Announces $10 Trillion Dollar Surplus, Proclaims Himself Lord of Economics

Canada for Sale

Earlier today, in an unprecedented move, Emperor Harper announced the greatest budget surplus in Canadian history - a whopping $10 trillion dollars.

"Clearly, our Great Leader is truly great and a master in economics, because he was able to achieve a $10 trillion budget surplus!" said Finance Minister Joe Oliver.

Back in April, our Great Leader achieved a $1.4 billion surplus by selling the government's remaining shares in General Motors, which were valued at $2.1 billion dollars. Without the sale, the budget would have had a $700 million dollar loss.

Despite the fake surplus and bribery checks sent to parents across the country, Harper's Corporate Party of Canada was still losing ground in the polls against the NDP.

Harper then decided he would extrapolate the trick and create a nice $10 trillion dollar fake surplus to make him look good for the elections. The new $10 trillion surplus was achieved through the sale of all Canada's assets including mountains, rivers, cities, the Parliament buildings and his hair insurance.

"Look at me! I'm the Lord of Economics!" proclaimed Emperor Harper.

Meanwhile, Canada lost another 6,400 jobs in June.

Sources:

Don't Be Fooled By Harper's "Surplus"

Stephen Harper government sells multibillion-dollar stake in General Motors

Harper Government Sells Remaining General Motors Shares Ahead Of Elections

Harper government announces surplus budget

Canada sheds 6,400 jobs in June

Congress Unanimously Approve Update to Lord's Prayer

[Captioned photo from Seth at The Thinking Atheist]

The American Empire's Congress just approved, unanimously, the new version of what is commonly known as the Lord's Prayer, the most famous Christian prayer. The Republicans, who are significantly more Christian than the Democrats, were clearly overjoyed with the updated version.

John Boehner, leader of the Grand Old Party, as Republicans are often called, was particularly happy, saying that "the new Lord's prayer, now renamed "Our Great Corporate Overlords' Prayer", is far more in line with our biased version of Christianity than the old outdated version. This will make our hypocritical opportunistic political position a lot more clear!"

The new updated version follows:

"Our Great Corporate Overlords' Prayer

Our Corporate Overlords who are in your great mansions

Great is your power

You will conquer the whole planet

Your will must always be done

On all the Earth, just like in your mansions

Give us this day our daily GMO frankenbread that you avoid like the plague

And don't forgive our debts to your privately owned "public" central banks

As you never forgive debts anyways

Lead us into temptation, with marketing, to buy more of your shitty products

And never deliver us from all the evil you do and promote to us

For yours is the planet, the wealth and the profit

Forever and ever

Fuck you"

Pope Francis could not be reached for comment.

CSIS Detains Emperor Harper, Claims He Is Osama Bin Laden

In this declassified photo, you can clearly see Emperor
Harper on his fire-breathing unicorn

This morning, in an unprecedented twist of fate, CSIS stormed parliament and detained Emperor Harper, claiming that he is actually Osama Bin Laden in disguise.

This is not the first time Emperor Harper broke his own legislation as he previously promoted terrorism on his Facebook page. Reports also link Islamic State recruiter to Canadian Embassy in Jordan.

Clearly all this information leads to the conclusion that Emperor Harper is actually Osama Bin Laden in disguise.

According to new legislation, all that CSIS, our trustworthy secret police, needs to do to imprison anyone is to simply claim that they have reasonable grounds to believe that such person will possibility commit terrorism in general at any given moment regardless of actual evidence. In addition,  they may refrain from giving anyone, other than a secret court, any evidence, due to "national security concerns".

In largely redacted documents obtained through a Freedom from Intellect (FFI) request, CSIS agents discuss the possibility that Harper is going to order his army of fire breathing unicorns to attack Canada.

CSIS could not be reached for comment regarding the possibility that Emperor Harper was planning on sending fire breathing unicorns to attack Peace Tower, CN tower and other phallic Canadian buildings, however they reassured us that they can't know for certain it will not happen and, thus, the possibility is "reasonable", which gives them the grounds required to preventively detain Harper.

Luckily for Harper, his latest legislation on security certificates, bill C-3, allows for the appointment of a "special advocate", a special person who can see the secret evidence but never talk about it, which is, clearly, certainly bound to make this entire process a lot more fair for Emperor Harper.

For the moment, Canada can breath a sigh of relief as our illustrious secret service finally figure out that our dear illustrious leader, Emperor Harper, is Osama Bin Laden, and, for the moment, in a sweet taste of freedom, we can be at peace knowing that we are finally safe.

Record Number of Deaths from Terrorism in 2014 Justifies Destruction of Civil Rights and Liberties

Watch out for this kind of nefarious suspicious activity!

Last year, a whopping 2 people died from terrorists attacks in Canada, breaking all previous records. In comparison, 13,283 died from stroke, 47,627 died from heart attacks, and 1,005 died from workplace injuries, making death by terrorism clearly the most urgent and dangerous cause of death in Canada.

Government experts, handsomely paid by Emperor Harper, say that the legislation, which establishes a secret police, secret court system, preventative detentions based on suspicion and free speech, and give CSIS the power to disrupt any free assembly of people as it pleases, is absolutely necessary to protect the Canadian people and prevent another incident where Emperor Harper is forced to get into his secret dirty maintenance closet hiding spot.

The legislation was supported by Conservatives and Liberals, including the handsome leader of the Liberal Party, Prince Trudeau. Prince Trudeau hopes to dethrone Emperor Harper, become King of Canada and, clearly, continue Harper's legacy.

Some ignorant experts, including several constitutional lawyers and law professors, have raised alarm that the bill endangers Canadian rights and freedoms too much. Government experts urge us not to be alarmed, as the bill does not give the government the right to kill Canadians at random, as this amendment is being saved for after Emperor Harper is reinstated Emperor of Harperland after the 2015's fair "elections".

The legislation introduced in the House of Commons is aimed at targeting the most dangerous forms of terrorists. According to the RCMP, those terrorists include First Nations people and eco-terrorists who protect the environment. If you see any suspicious activity such as a neighbour planting a tree or growing food, the Harper government urges you to call the terrorist phone line to report them.

Be very afraid.

More links:

Bill C-51 (Antiterrorism Act 2015): Short Primer on Key Aspects

Elizabeth May condemns Bill C-51, saying it would create a secret police force

http://antiterrorlaw.ca/